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wind storms & rock piles

Three weeks ago today I found myself once again painting rocks with the boys and preparing to take a little trip to the cemetery as a family to visit Cora’s stone. Our trips there are less frequent these days and as you probably can guess by the promptness of my blog post, life is full and busy and that is a good thing. That same day three weeks ago, the wind blew like crazy. If you are not familiar with Kansas weather, let me clue you in. It is windy here. But there are some days in Kansas that the wind is particularly horrible. My husband always says this kind of wind makes him angry. It just makes me want to relocate the farm…like to Hawaii. But seriously, on these days you stay inside if at all possible. If you must go outside you can hardly keep the door from flinging off its hinges or slamming shut on one of your sweet children. You feel like you might actually blow away, you can forget about having a good hair day, there is dust flying everywhere, and even in the safety of your home you can’t escape the howling sound coming from outside. I may be exaggerating slightly but out here in the country the wind can be intense.

February 8th was one of those days this year.

IMG_1856As I went about my day, feeling the gravity of what the date marked in my life and the little girl that I continue to miss more than I can even try to explain here, I couldn’t block out that howling sound seeping through my windows. Seven years ago I was living my happy, “blessed” life. Things were going just like I had planned for the most part. Life was really good and really safe. I felt like I had Christianity and life, for that matter, all figured out. And then out of nowhere I got shoved out my front door, the door slamming shut behind me before I even had a chance to catch my breath. Gone was my safe, comfortable life. Without any warning my life was turned upside down and I found myself in the middle of a wind storm. It knocked me flat on my face and I felt like even if I tried to get up, the grief, like the wind, was just going to knock me over again. Everything felt scary and unfamiliar. I was confused about what God was doing in my life. I wondered how He could allow my daughter to have cancer…how He could allow her to die. I wondered why He didn’t show up for me when I had seen Him show up for so many others. The questions and confusion were almost as intense as the storm itself.

image5I didn’t know any other way to anchor myself except to Jesus. My feelings were telling me that I would never experience joy again but I knew if there was any chance…any chance to get through the storm…it would be with Jesus. HE was my hope. I was still hurting and confused and I didn’t understand what He was doing, but I knew He held the answers. So right in the middle of that storm I brought my unable to stand, hair in my face, dust in my eyes, tears streaming down my cheeks, beat-up self to Him. I was a mess, you guys. But do you know what I found? I found that Jesus didn’t forget to show up for me, He had been there the whole time. He met me in the middle of that windy mess. He met me in my sorrow. He wasn’t caught off guard by my confusion or my questions. He was compassionate and comforting. He just kept drawing me in closer. I found as I continued to choose Jesus, soaking in His Word each day, He didn’t give me all the answers but He showed me more of Himself. And He was more than enough.

image4Slowly, He gave me the strength to stand again. With His hand in mine, we began walking back towards that house. The months went by and the winds seemed less severe. I never thought I would get out of that storm, but one day I realized that I was once again in the calm of my house. The battle scars were still there, the grief still resurfaced from time to time, and there was a hole from a precious little girl that would never fully go away. Things would never be the same. But do you know what the amazing thing is? Most days I’m okay with that. I know that the peace and confidence in His good and perfect plan is only because of Jesus. The pain is still so very real and there will always be a longing to have Cora in my arms, but I don’t want to go back to those days because through the intensity of that storm, He changed me.

IMG_1857So three weeks ago, as the wind howled, I was reminded of a storm. But more importantly, I was reminded of my faithful God who never left my side through it all. He is the only reason I am standing today. Those little painted rocks started out as something we could make together as we remembered Cora, but now they represent so much more. As the rock pile grows so does my confidence in His character. He is who He says He is. I’ve read about it in His Word and seen it proven over and over again in my own life.

image3The winds are going to blow. Even here in my small town the storms are raging in the lives of people all around me. Where will you find the stability and strength to navigate through the storms? Our lives can change in an instant, can’t they? But God never does. He is consistent with His character, trustworthy in His promises, and so very faithful. It is easy to get consumed by the chaos and confusion that the wind brings all around us. Let us fix our eyes on WHO He is and anchor ourselves in the firm hope we have in Jesus. Even the wind obeys Him.

Even the wind and the sea obey Him.

Mark 4:41

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

Psalm 40:1-3

We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.

Hebrews 6:19

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  • Lauren - Your faith is a beautiful testament and your words are powerful to my soul today.ReplyCancel

  • Mary Ann - In our church, there is a song we sing that says: The winds and the waves obey His will; Peace Peace be Still. It is a beautiful reminder of all the Savior did for us and that we can always find hope and faith in His almighty hand. Maybe one day for you, the wind will be a gentle breeze and it will tickle the back of your neck and mess your hair a bit….but in that gentle breeze, perhaps the wind will be the whisper of your precious daughter. She loves you!! She is aware of you!! She will never be forgotten. I will pray for you that you will continue to find hope and trust in the Lord. We don’t know the reasons things happen the way they do but I continue to trust that it is part of the plan He has for us and that someday, we will all have our perfect day when we are together with all our loved ones again. Thank you for sharing the cute pics of your boys and their wonderful rocks.ReplyCancel

  • babykatesmom - What a beautiful reminder to read today, Jess thank you for sharing your heart. Your family is never out of my prayers. Thinking of you all as you celebrate Cora’s birthday soon. I don’t remember seeing that side of Cora’s stone before, so nice to see those pics of your boys visiting. Continued prayers from Florida.ReplyCancel

  • Brittany Price - Loved this post so much! I love it because I know it to be true! I’m in the thick of grief right now after my world got forever changed with my husband passing away, leaving me a widow with three under three. Jesus is good, faithful and Hope. He is true through the pain & remains trustworthy as our sweet Savior. Thank you for proclaiming Jesus! So thankful a friend sent me this post.ReplyCancel

  • Kristin - Beautifully written and inspirational. Please write a book.ReplyCancel

  • Marsha Hinkle - Hugs to you! Jesus is faithful….I have followed your story for 8 years. Your story had made me cling tighter to the truth – found in Jesus.ReplyCancel

  • Jayne - You have such a wonderful gift of sharing your heart in a very eloquent way. I started reading your blog when your precious Cora was just sick with the ear ache. What followed broke my heart for you and your husband and my tears flowed for a couple I did not know. I continue to read your blog and I so enjoy your heartfelt posts and your family pictures. Your faith is awesome and your love for family is outstanding. May Jesus continue to wrap you in his arms until you can hold your precious Cora in your arms again. Thank you for sharing with your readers.ReplyCancel

  • Jennifer Tucker - Beautifully written and so true. He is always faithful. Thank you for sharing with us.ReplyCancel

  • amber - Just beautiful. Your story & sweet Cora still bring tears to my eyes. As someone who found you at the beginning of this journey, I am truly in awe & inspired by the way the Lord has worked in you & used you since those early, dark days. It is so very, truly, bittersweet & radiates Jesus. Thank you for the way you humbly share the way the Lord is working in you with the world. It’s life giving!ReplyCancel

  • Toni :0) - So very sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers for peace and comfort during this tragic time.ReplyCancel

  • Toni :0) - My comment was for Brittany above. I thought it would plug in under hers.

    Jess, it amazes me how long it’s been. I still pray often for your family. Cora is never far from my thoughts as I always think of her in our intentions at mass. Continued thoughts and prayers as her birthday approaches. Loved the timely scripture as we have suffered a sudden job loss (again) and my daughter who is a dancer injured her ankle and is now in a cast for three weeks. I know we can weather this storm just as we have in the past as long as I keep the faith. God bless you for sharing this.ReplyCancel

  • Heather - Oh Jessica, this is so well said! We have a faithful faithful King! I’ll be praying for your hearts this week! Love you guys! HeatherReplyCancel

  • Amie - Oh dear sweet Jess, thank you once again even seven years later putting everything that is precious in perspective for me! You are an amazing friend and mom! Thank you for reminding me even through the storms to have faith in Jesus! I love you dearly! Hugs and prayers always!❤️??ReplyCancel

  • House Stuff | Small Town Nebraska - […] We also went to look at where my grandparents had their farm. I remember my grandma taking care of her chickens in this chicken house. It must be a sign that I need chickens.They augered their grain into the window at the top of this building. My 92 year old grandpa remembers tining the roof of that building with my cousin and noticed that some of the nails were starting to come out of it. Wish we could’ve jumped out and fixed it for him. Such a good reminder that our things will fall apart and we will fall apart. Let us hope in the God who doesn’t change, the One who even this fierce, spring, midwest wind obeys. […]ReplyCancel

  • Baby Bottle - Beautifully written and inspirational.ReplyCancel