We always knew that the day might come when we would end up back at Cora’s hospital. Tuesday was that day. This little procedure that Griffin had done was not a big deal at all. We knew he would be fine and that we would leave later that morning or afternoon. But there is just something about walking those same hallways and waiting in the same waiting rooms and talking to the same surgeon and seeing all the medical equipment that just make you relive a lot of hard things.

But sometimes you do hard things because you love your kids fiercely and want the best for them. And Cora’s hospital was the place we needed to be to get the best care for Griffin. So at 5:30am we asked God for the strength we needed to get through whatever emotions that day would bring and we checked Griffin into the hospital.

He was not a fan of the hospital bracelet. He was so frustrated and trying so hard to figure out a way to get it off.

In fact he wasn’t a fan of most things at the hospital. He was cracking us up as we waited in the pre-surgery room.

The child life specialist came and gave him a mask that had stickers all over it to try to get him used to the mask they would use to put him to sleep before surgery. The second she started talking to him he turned his little head completely the other direction and wouldn’t even look at her. He never turned back around until she left. I tried to get him to play with the mask and he hit it away every time I brought it anywhere near him.

A little later the nurse wanted us to change him out of his jammies into the hospital gown. As soon as he saw what I was doing he just cried and cried. The sweet anesthesiologist saw how upset he was and suggested we just put his jammies back on so he didn’t get too worked up. She said that she would put the gown on him after he was asleep. The second we took that gown off he was fine. The tears stopped. If he could talk I’m pretty sure he would have said…don’t mess with me people! He’s a stubborn one.

We just hung out by his crib and drove trucks and played cows until it was time to go to the OR. And then it was time for the hardest part. Handing my baby off and waiting. The tears came as we walked away from him to that familiar waiting room. So many memories. But along with the tears I had an overwhelming sense of peace that day. It was a peace that could have only come from God as I walked through a place that held so many hard memories. Thank you, Jesus, for Your peace that is beyond our understanding.

The waiting was brief and the surgery brought good news. It wasn’t as invasive as we had expected. There is something about hearing the doctor tell you good news that makes my heart well up with thankfulness. I know this is such a little thing in comparison to the medical battles so many sweet children are facing right now, but we want to praise God for the little things too. Soon we were meeting Griffin in the hallway and following the nurse to his recovery room.

Surgery was over.

We were done.

And there he was, sleeping away.

We just watched him sleep and waited. So grateful.

Eventually we looked over and his eyes were peeking open. He wanted to be held and I jumped up so ready to have him in my arms again. After our happy reunion the next thirty minutes were pretty rough. He was trying to yank all his cords off. He was mad that he had apple juice in his cup instead of milk. And I’m sure he was in pain too. So he just cried and cried and I did my best to hold and comfort him…he is getting so heavy and strong! After he calmed down and drank his milk (our nice nurse went and found him some milk), we were ready to go home.

And then came the best part. Leaving. Together. Those same hallways that we had walked very early on a Sunday morning with empty arms and shattered hearts, we walked down again with a happy, healthy little boy in our arms. Knowing that we were going home together was the best feeling ever.  I will never walk through a hospital again without feeling a sense of heaviness knowing that there are families inside dealing with some really difficult, life-changing things. And I will never walk out again with my child in my arms without feeling extremely grateful. Grateful for the gift of health and life and more days to spend together.

Leaving together was definitely the best part.

It is such a special day. One definitely to be celebrated. I am so grateful for the moms in my life…my mom, my mother-in-law, and my grandmas. All women who have impacted my life in some significant way. But as each Mother’s Day comes and goes, so do the reminders of heartache that often come with this special day. Before Cora died I took being a mom for granted. I thought that when I was ready to be a mom, I would have kids and we would forever be a happy little family. It basically happened that way and I continued in my blissful little world…until that world was turned upside down and I was forced to face Cora’s death. I was a mom…and then all of a sudden I was not anymore. That first Mother’s Day without Cora was dark. I know that Jesus carried me through that day because I felt like I could hardly stand. All I wanted was to be Cora’s mom again.

I always miss Cora a little extra on Mother’s Day. I will never forget that day she made me a mama and I held her in my arms for the first time. A gift that I will be forever grateful for. God has used those 341 days I spent as Cora’s mom to mold me and change me into the mom I am today (a mom who still needs a lot of molding!). And while that sadness usually creeps in as I think about that little girl who is missing from our family, the Lord continues to heal my heart as each year passes. But as the intensity of my own heartache lessens, I am reminded of those who faced Sunday with an aching heart. I am reminded to pray for those who are missing their mamas, or those who are missing being a mama, or those who are longing to be a mama.

Mother’s Day has become a reminder to pray for those who are hurting but also a reminder of the gift that motherhood really is.

It is a privilege to be a mom. I am so grateful for my two boys. They are an incredible blessing to me. Each day that I get to spend as their mama is a gift…even the hard days.

It is a gift to put my own needs aside and seek to meet their needs.

It is a gift to nurture them.

It is a gift to give hugs and be hugged.

It is a gift to comfort them when they are hurting, like only a mama can.

It is a gift to seek to know them as individuals and speak life into their little lives.

It is a gift to train them up in the way they should go…even when I often wonder if I will ever know how to do that.

It is a gift to lead them into an understanding of the person and character of God…the Only One who can truly satisfy them.

It is a gift to play and laugh and cry together.

It is a gift to pray for them.

Even the sleepless nights are a gift.

It is a gift to be their mom.

I read a blog post about a mother’s prayer last week and loved this song that Keith and Kristyn wrote for their daughter, Eliza. Oh man, seeing that sweet little girl running around brought tears to my eyes, but the words of this song are so beautiful. So much truth that I want to be praying for my own children too.

The Lord has given me a job right now and that job is to be a mom to Levi and Griffin. I am thankful for His grace because I mess up all the time. It is a job that I could never do on my own without His wisdom and guidance. On my own I get sidetracked, and selfish, and begin to put other things above this important task of being a mom. But I want to be faithful to the job He has graciously given to me. I want to be faithful to pray for my boys through all of their days. And I don’t ever want to take these days as their mom for granted.

Before I posted this I looked back in my archives to see what was on my heart last Mother’s Day. It looks like there is a theme!

My sister in law is the best aunt to these kids. They love her. Levi kept saying, “I’m so es-ited to see Aunt Ivy!” the whole way there. She probably won the award for the most children who came to watch her pinning. And my kids won the award for the squirmiest and noisiest children during the pinning!

This is Ivy’s roommate. They were both nursing majors and worked so hard…I’m pretty sure they had a lot of fun together too! Aren’t college roommates the best? My college roommate is still one of my best friends. We’ve been through a lot together and I am so thankful for her.

Our first day there was Ivy’s nursing pinning. I’m just going to brag on my sister-in-law a little. The character award they gave her was joyfulness and that so fits her. She just overflows with God’s love everywhere she goes. She loves others well and as a result has had many opportunities to share where her true JOY comes from. I love that about her.

Ivy also won another award. I can’t even remember what the award was called but basically it meant she is an awesome nurse. As her professor talked about Ivy and why she was getting the award she shared how Ivy had felt God’s calling as a nurse…specifically as an oncology nurse…after spending time in the hospital with her niece as she battled cancer. Ivy has shared that with me before but there was just something about seeing her up there and hearing those words again that just made me weep. We don’t always get to see glimpses of God’s purposes in our pain, but I feel like God has been so gracious to give us many glimpses of how He is using Cora’s death for good. These glimpses don’t make the pain go away and they sure don’t make me miss Cora any less. I still hate cancer and death with all of my being. But glimpses like we got this weekend remind me of our God, the Redeemer. I don’t always understand His ways but I can always be confident in who He is. He is completely sovereign and infinitely loving. And He is redeeming the things that happen in our lives for our good and His glory. Until the day when He makes all things new, to see just a glimpse of that “good” is a gift. Thank you, Jesus.

The next day we got to watch Ivy get her diploma.

A few attempts at an auntie picture. My boys apparently weren’t in the mood for picture taking.

Way to go Ivy! We are so proud of you!

We stayed in a hotel for three nights while we were away. Levi thought it was awesome. He brought along his John Deere sleeping bag and set up a little bed for himself in our room. Griffin would only sleep if I was right next to him. We tried letting him cry it out in his pack-and-play but Levi kept sneaking over and saying…”What’s the matter buddy?”…”It’s ok. Don’t cry Griffin!”…”Do you want to sleep with our mommy? Mom, he wants you!” It was really helpful. The hotel also had a pool. Levi loved the water. I’ll let you guess what Griffin thought about the water. Ha!

We got to make a few fun stops for mom at Pottery Barn Outlet and IKEA. My time at IKEA was much too short…and possibly a little strenuous on my marriage. I can’t wait until the Kansas City IKEA opens! The boys got a few late night trips to McDonalds for ice cream. They thought that was pretty great too.

Levi and Griffin were such great travelers. I wasn’t so sure it was a good idea to take a thirteen hour trip with them but they did awesome!

We borrowed a DVD player from some friends and we bribed the boys with movies and sugary treats the whole way. I might not be able to stand hearing another Veggie Tales song for awhile…but it sure made the trip a whole lot more peaceful. Whatever works, right?

April was a full month with constantly changing weather. Kansas weather is pretty unpredictable but this year was crazy! Snow, sunshine, ice storms, rainy days and everything in between. We had it all. We went from hats and gloves to bare feet to hats and gloves to rain boots to short sleeves to hats and gloves to rain boots again and finally ended the month in shorts…it finally felt like spring. We are hoping spring officially decides to stick around now. My boys are ready for shorts and sunshine and lots of time outside. The corn is planted, we have started our garden, the peonies are popping up and the strawberries are blooming. Thank you, Lord, for the new life that spring brings.

You can check out the past months here:

January

February

March

I am @jessmcclenahan on Instagram if you want to follow along!

This is definitely a new favorite.

Happy Friday!

Dear Levi,

At three years old you are joyful, encouraging, a leader, and cautious. God knew we needed a joyful little boy who always has a smile on his face and we are so thankful for the joy you bring to our family! It amazes me how that joyful personality of yours just continues to grow. You are always making us laugh and smile…and you seem to make everyone around you smile too. You are also all about making a joyful noise. We sing together all the time and I often hear you singing to yourself or along with the radio. You love watching the worship band at church and pretending to have your own band at home. You will assign everyone an instrument and then we all rock! You have the cutest little way you play an air guitar. I love it. Your favorite song right now is “Bless the Lord”. And if you hear one of mom’s favorite songs you always say, “Mom! It’s your song!”

You are an encourager. You are always the first to tell us “good job” or “that’s cute mom”. You are definitely your brothers biggest cheerleader. You get so excited when he does something new or says a word. I often will hear you telling Griffin good job or calling me to see something Griffin is doing.

You are a leader. You are always coming up with plans and assigning us jobs. You like to be in charge. We are working on reminding you that mama and daddy are actually in charge. Obedience is hard, I know. You are really good at telling your brother what to do too. You can be bossy at times, but most of the time you just talk to Griffin and tell him about everything that is going on. He likes to do whatever you are doing so he usually just follows right along. It might be one of the reasons your brother hasn’t started talking much yet…you are always doing enough talking for both of you!

You are cautious. You like to know what you are getting into and are not one to take risks very often. That is one of the reasons it took you so long to get enough courage to try climbing out of your crib. You often watch other kids before you are willing to try something new. You like things to be predictable and you like to know the plan for the day.

I am so thankful for you, Levi. I pray that God would use your joyful spirit to bring encouragement to many as you grow.

Love, Mama

* * * * *

And just a few more things I don’t want to forget…

:: You are very verbal and remember everything. You talk all the time. I love having conversations with you because you say the funniest things. I am also amazed by the things you are starting to understand. We have been memorizing verses and I can’t believe how quickly you remember…you are better at memorizing than your mama!

:: You adore your daddy. You love being his little helper and doing jobs with him. You especially love when you get to tag along at the farm. You would stay at the farm all day if you could. Your eyes light up when daddy gets home from work each day. You always ask him, “Are you going to stay home all night?”. Recently after we got back from a trip I asked if you missed me. You told me, “No, I just missed my daddy”. You did reassure me that Griffin missed me though.

:: You remind me more and more of your daddy each day…both in looks and in personality. People often say you are a little Joel with blonde hair. He is a pretty great role model and I’m so glad you have him to look up to!

:: You love being outside. You love playing in your sand box, swinging on the tire swing, riding bikes, digging in the garden, playing in any mud or puddles you can find, throwing balls, mowing, and going on walks.

:: If we are stuck inside you like playing tractors, playdoh, drawing, painting, legos and putting puzzles together. This winter we built our first fort inside. Ever since then you ask if you can tear our couch apart every single day. My living room has never been the same since!

:: You really like movies now. Your favorites are Veggie Tales, Curious George, Bernstein Bears and Cars.

:: You are becoming more and more independent. You are potty trained, you are starting to want to dress yourself, you sleep in a big boy bed, and we often hear you say that you can do something by yourself. It is hard to believe that you are getting old enough to not need me as much anymore.

:: You say so many funny things and I know I am forgetting so much. One of my favorites is when you tell me you love me all the way to China each night. I love you all the way to China too.

Today is all about Griffin and tomorrow is all about Levi.

Sweet Griffin.

At eighteen months you are determined, serious, funny, and brave. You have driven me to my knees as I seek God’s wisdom to know how to train up a determined little boy like you in the way he should go. I pray that someday I look back and see that these precious days were the beginnings of a young man who is determined to follow hard after Christ and boldly share His love with many.

Most people who first meet you think that you are pretty serious. They don’t see your funny side until they have won you over. You love your family. Your brother is your best friend and you want to do everything he does…and I mean everything. You are definitely a mama’s boy but if your daddy takes you outside to play or to visit the farm you love the time you get to spend with him.

 You are funny. Your faces are hilarious. I didn’t catch it on this day, but so often you have your little lips pursed. It’s your determined face. You can go from all out screaming to a big cheesy grin in a matter of moments. Some might call that moody.   You still aren’t saying many words so we are trying to learn to communicate with you through your crazy facial expressions and grunts.

You are brave. You are still pretty wobbly on your feet but it sure doesn’t stop you. You are willing to try everything your brother does and more. It seems like every day you acquire a few more bumps and bruises on your head. You love tackling and wrestling with your brother. You two are always up to something. I feel like I am constantly following you around trying to keep you safe. I guess that’s a mama’s job, right?

You keep us laughing and on our toes, little man, and I am so thankful that you are in our family. I love you so much!

Love, Mama

* * * * *

And just a few more things that I don’t want to forget…

:: You use a few signs and say essential (ha!) words like duck, moo, yuck, mama, dada, ee (Levi), and it sounds like you are trying to say a few other names. The rest of the time you just point and grunt or cry because we can’t understand you…your brother can usually figure out what you want. Thank goodness for brothers.

:: You love to read and sing together. You love animals so anything with an animal (especially cows) is your favorite.

:: Your eyes are definitely greenish-brown. Your right eye is more brown and your left eye is more green/gray.

:: You have a crazy sweet tooth. You love candy and always want a drink of pop if mama or daddy are drinking one. You would only eat sweets if we let you and are a very picky and stubborn eater. Right now your favorites are any kind of fruit, eggs, smoothies, macaroni & cheese,  and rice. Just in the last few weeks you have started finally trying a few new things.

:: You have a hilarious beauty pageant type wave. Just in the last week you started to hold your hand still when you wave…we call it a farmer’s wave. I think I’m going to miss the beauty pageant wave though.

:: You blow kisses with a loud “muuuuh” sound. You give high fives and you love to clap and dance. You recognize when some of our favorite songs come on and get a huge grin when you hear them. You love to play the piano and join in on your brother’s band.

:: You still do better if you can take a short little nap in the morning but you are mostly only taking an afternoon nap now. You sleep through the night but still occasionally wake up and cry for a drink. You are an early riser. I’m still trying to get used to that. You always want your paci, blanket, and a drink when you are tired or it is bedtime. We are going to have to work on getting rid of that paci this summer!

:: You love being outside playing in the sandbox, riding your bike, or digging in the dirt. You love driving around tractors and trucks. You love water and mud and love to get dirty. You are definitely all boy!

* * * * *

If you want to see Levi at 18 months click here. I always think it’s fun to compare and see how much they have changed!

Here are a few of my favorites:

Three Things Necklace

Well With My Soul Necklace

Gold Chevron Necklace

Be Still And Know Bracelet

I also love that you can build your own necklace. Customize a silver or gold chain necklace by adding meaningful charms, gems and stones – your initials, your kids initials, or spell out a family name. Or personalize a necklace or bracelet by adding something to it!

I have the Well With My Soul Necklace and added a “c” charm and stone. It is a reminder of my Cora and that even though it doesn’t always feel well with my heart it is always well with my soul. DaySpring also just sent me the beautiful Gold Chevron Necklace. I love it so much. I meant to get some pictures of it but never did.

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So…are you ready to shop for Mother’s Day? Or maybe just for yourself?

DaySpring is offering my readers 25% off the entire Lisa Leonard collection through Monday, April 29th at midnight CST. Use code MACS25

You can also get free shipping on purchases over $30. Use code shipping30

There are some other great sales and monthly deals going on right now too…so make sure you shop around while you are there!

Fast forward to this past weekend and we were back in Nashville for another retreat. This time it was a reunion.

On our way to the clubhouse the first evening Joel and I were marveling at the different place we were at this time around. Our first Respite Retreat was eight months after Cora died. We thought we might be a little crazy flying to Nashville to spend the weekend with other grieving parents we had never met, but we knew we needed something. I was pregnant with Levi but we didn’t know he was a boy. We both were convinced he was another girl. Our house was still horribly quiet. Our hearts were still totally broken and the tears were still constantly flowing. Every day. We were still trying to make sense of God’s character in context of our tragedy. We were clinging to God as our Great Comforter but still confused by what He was allowing to happen in our lives. I remember being so thankful to be with people who just “got it”, people I could be real with.

While our hearts continue to ache, the Lord has been so faithfully redeeming our story and healing our brokenness. Thank you, Lord, for your work in our lives. Thank you, Lord, for the place you’ve brought us to today. It is by Your sufficient grace alone that we are still standing.

We spent most of our time in this room talking about God’s sovereignty, prayer, fear, our kids, heaven and so much more. We heard each others stories, laughed together, cried together, worshiped together, talked about areas we’ve grown in and areas we still need to grow.

We studied God’s Word together and talked about how we filter out lies from Truth. I learned so much and came away with a renewed passion for being in the Word and a whole new list of books I want to read.

I started reading the book Wild Things on our way to Nashville. I read some aloud to Joel (he loves when I do that ) and we were laughing so hard at the chapter describing the 2-4 year old stage. The stories and examples were stories we are living out in our house right now. I haven’t finished the book but it is so good so far. I didn’t put it together that one of the authors, David Thomas, would be speaking at the retreat. He was so encouraging and gave us so much to think about as we parent our boys. It was a timely reminder of what a privilege it is to be a parent. He also brought along several other books that he and his colleagues wrote that might be next on my reading list.

Wild Things (if you have boys you need to read this one!), Raising Girls (the boy version of Wild Things), Raising Boys & Girls (there is a DVD that goes with this one that you can use with a Bible study or small group), Intentional Parenting (this is the one I’m reading next!)

David and Nancy fed us lots of yummy food while we were there too. Saturday night they set up tables on the porch with flowers, candles and balloons. It was so nice to have time to just sit around and talk. I learned so much from these people too!

During dinner we each wrote on a balloon and then after dinner released all the balloons together. Each balloon represented a dearly loved child. It was a surrender to the Lord…releasing our precious children, whom we long to still be here with us, into His hands.

We sat at a table with Peter and Sarah on our first night at the retreat. Their sweet daughter, Annie, died from cancer when she was six months old. Our stories, though very different, had lots of similarities. We felt like we had been friends for years and were so thankful for their encouragement to us. We are trying to get them to move to Kansas now! Too bad Kansas doesn’t have a little more appeal.

I first “met” Deb through email. She wrote me when her son, Nathan, died suddenly. I remember reading her words and feeling so burdened for her…I had been in that place too. It is such a blessing to be able to use the things that God comforted us with during our sorrow to comfort others (2 Corinthians 1:3-4). I remember as I was writing just praying that the Lord would use something I wrote to comfort this lady whom I had never met. Deb told me that she remembers that I told her to cling to Jesus…and that is what she did. Praise the Lord! It was such a blessing to meet you Deb!

And Nancy…it is hard to even describe to you how much this lady means to me. Through her books and the Respite Retreat she guided me to stand firm on Truth during the darkest days of my life. Her dedication to and passion for teaching God’s Word, constantly bringing people back to Truth in the midst of incredible loss, is a daily challenge to me. She is so real. Just like you would expect her to be after reading her books. And she is lots of fun too! Joel told her as we were taking this picture that I am one of her groupies.   If there is anyone that I could be like when I grow up it is Nancy. You have to read her books if you haven’t already. Everything she writes is great!

 The One Year Book of Hope (this was the first book I read by Nancy…I give it to everyone I know!), Holding onto Hope (a challenging journey through the book of Job), Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow (this book encourages you to allow Jesus to speak into the many questions that come with sorrow), Abundant Life Day Book (I started this daily devotional at the beginning of the year and have loved it too!)

It is hard to share just four because all of Nancy’s books are so good. She also has a new Bible study series out…the first study is called The Promised One: Seeing Jesus in Genesis. I need to find time to do these too!

Thank you for the wonderful weekend, David and Nancy. We came away feeling refreshed, comforted, inspired by God’s Word and challenged in so many ways. The work God is doing in and through you is a blessing to so, so many…including us!

If you have lost a child I highly recommend attending David and Nancy’s Respite Retreat. I know it is a little scary to think about going to Nashville to spend the weekend with other grieving parents you have never met, but you won’t regret it. David and Nancy are great. Go check it out…and feel free to email me if you have any questions.

*  *  *  *  *

One last thing…

A reader recently wrote and let me know about some friends of hers that need our encouragement. Sam and Jason lost their daughter, Alice, a few weeks ago. Baby Alice was born still in the arms of Jesus just two weeks shy of her due date. They were so looking forward to becoming parents. Sam and Jason’s friends have created a website that many generous Etsy vendors have donated to. They are hoping that this will raise some money to help cover the costs of medical expenses and the unexpected bills that come with losing a child.

Are you needing a gift? Maybe something for Mother’s Day? You can give a gift and support this sweet, hurting family all at the same time. Go here to visit Alice’s shop. They are adding new items every day. Praying for you guys as you miss your precious daughter.

disclosure: amazon affiliate links used

It is corn planting time again. This has been the craziest corn planting season ever. It has been so cold…I don’t think I’ve ever had to wear a coat while riding in the tractor at this time of year. This year I did! And now it has rained so much that the fields are too wet to finish planting. The other night (before the rain) we went out to the field while Joel was planting to take a little ride. The boys love helping their daddy. Levi always wants to be right next to Joel doing everything he is doing. And he always asks a million questions too. The crazy thing is that he remembers SO much. He knows way more about farming than I do. Maybe I should start asking him questions. I might learn something.

Griffin was just taking everything in. He loves tractors…and everything about the farm really.

We had to stand back for a little bit and wait for our turn to ride.

Griffin was still just watching his daddy so closely.

Levi was entertaining like usual.

But when Griffin got the okay from daddy to come to the tractor…he was all about riding.

The boys don’t have any idea how blessed they are to have a daddy who loves spending time with them even at work. He is always willing to have them come along if it something they can do with him. He really delights in his boys and I love that about him.

Someday far too soon these two will be the ones driving the tractors.

We took a few pictures in the tractor tire before it was time to go.

Levi actually got to stay with his daddy and finish planting the field while Griffin and I went home. He always tells Griffin he gets to stay with daddy because he is big and Griffin is little. He didn’t get home until 10:30 that night. He thought he was really big to get to stay up that late.

And one more. There is nothing that says I love you like a sibling choke hold. Oh man…these two make me laugh!