It has been two months since our little Cora went to meet Jesus.
How could two months have gone by already? It seems like we just left the hospital. The things that happened in the hospital replay in my mind like it was just yesterday.
But, it seems like forever since I got to hold my baby. Forever since we were laughing and playing together. It is hard to even describe. Time is moving forward and yet the ache in our hearts is so intense and new. Somedays seem a little better, but some days it seems like the pain is getting worse.
I listened to the Watermark song that was sung at Cora’s celebration service several times today. The words are so true to how I am feeling. I miss Cora in EVERY way.
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
’til mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do
And today I am longing for that day when my tears will be wiped away.
A weekend away.
Focusing on us.
If you ever have a chance to attend FamilyLife‘s Weekend to Remember, you should. That is what Joel and I did this weekend. The speakers were so real and challenging. We had time to talk through some things that we normally wouldn’t take the time to talk about. We were challenged to make each other and our marriage a priority. We came away from the conference feeling more connected and united than we ever have before.
On Sunday we had a breakout session with women only.
“The fact that I am a woman does not make me a different kind of Christian, but the fact that I am a Christian does make me a different kind of a woman. For I have accepted God’s idea of me, and my whole life is an offering back to Him of all that I am, and all that He wants me to be.” -Elisabeth Elliot
I loved how the speaker reminded us to embrace how God designed us as women. She talked about how Biblical priorities are at the heart of becoming the wife and mother God intents us to be. I cried through the part of this session about our role as moms. It made me miss Cora SO much. I wished I could go home and apply all that I was learning about being a mom as I spent time with Cora. I cried a lot throughout the weekend, but I think that was good. I think I just needed to cry.
My favorite part was spending time with my hubby. I needed time to talk about things I was struggling with and how I was feeling as we move forward without Cora. He we such a good listener. I was able to better understand how he was feeling too. I am so thankful that God is allowing us to walk through this storm together.
We could see God working throughout the whole weekend. From allowing us to go in the first place at the last minute, to the speakers and people we met. Thank you Allen and Tammye for making it possible for us to go. And thank you to all our dear friends who helped pay for our expenses. We are so grateful.
…but not this week.
We PROMISE to list them next week.
I’m still here. We are getting through the days, but this grieving stuff is HARD.
We had a big ice/snowstorm here this weekend. Just when I was getting used to Spring. Lovely Kansas weather! Seeing those big, beautiful snowflakes falling and kids playing in the snow made me miss Cora even more. Cora never really experienced snow. She even had a new sled that Joel’s parents had given to her for Christmas. She never got to use it. It was another “first” to go through without Cora.
Sundays are hard too (I think I am still recovering). Joel is a farmer and works a lot. Sunday was our family day–the one day that we always got to be together. Joel loved spending Sundays with Cora. Going to church without her now is hard. It is hard to go to church and see all the families. It is hard to see all the little girls in their pretty dresses. It is hard to see kids coming out of the nursery. At the same time it is so good to be a church. It is good to be around people who love us and who are praying for us. It is good to sing–the worship songs have entirely new meanings to us now. It is good to be in the Word and learn from the sermons.
Each week continues to have ups and downs. I don’t think that is bad. We need time to be sad and cry. We need time to laugh and feel a glimpse of “normal” again. It is just hard and tiring. You never know what your emotions are going to do next.
This emotional unsteadiness keeps reminding me that I have to cling to my ROCK. I am so thankful that no matter what an emotional mess I feel inside that I have a firm foundation in Christ. He fully understands my grief and emotions and is walking this road right beside me. Even when I don’t feel secure, I know that with Jesus I can stand secure. I can keep moving forward. Even through this storm. This is what I continue to put my HOPE in.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.