Today has been a really hard day.
It is now on the list of top 10 worst days of my life (as my mom would say).
I knew it would be hard for me, but I didn’t expect how hard it would be on Joel too.
We both walked through today thinking about what Mother’s Day would have been like if Cora was still here. I knew that Joel would have had so much fun with Cora making this day special for me. We talked about some of the things he thought he and Cora would have done for me. It is hard to let go of those dreams.
Last Mother’s Day we stood in front of our church family and dedicated our little girl to the Lord. We were so in love with Cora and we truly wanted the Lord’s best for her life. We were committed to seeking His guidance as we raised her.
As we dedicated Cora that day, we had no idea how short our time would be together. We had no idea that the Lord would call our little girl home so soon. We had no idea that He would ask us to walk this hard road without her.
We prayed that God would use Cora’s life to glorify Him. He did. I am still amazed that God could use a sweet 11 month old little girl to impact so many people. He had a plan for her life. A BIG one!
I am so thankful that the Lord chose me to be Cora’s mama. I wouldn’t trade those precious 11 months we had together for anything. And even though I don’t really feel like a mom today, I am so thankful that I am Cora’s mom.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Being a mom is by far the best “job” I have ever had.
Before Cora was born I was a kindergarten teacher. I taught for four years. I loved being a teacher. I loved working with kids everyday. But, when I became a mom there was just no job like it.
I resigned from teaching in May. I went back to work for three weeks to finish out the school year. I knew I could do it for only three weeks. But even for such a short time I hated being away from my baby.
I LOVED being a stay-at-home mom. I have always wanted to stay home with my kids. Joel and I had planned on making it work so that I could stay home when we had kids. It was something that was important to us. I loved being with Cora and experiencing all the daily routines together. I loved watching her grow and learning new things. I loved being there for all of her “firsts”. It was amazing! I loved telling Joel about our day–no matter how uneventful it really was. I loved being a part of a mom’s group at church and joining a Bible study with other young moms. Of course I had my days and moments when I needed to get out of the house or needed a break. After all, I am human. But really, I loved it!
I think that is why I am having such a hard time transitioning to this “new job”.
I had thought about teaching again or working with kids in some way. I loved it before. But, I just wasn’t ready to make that commitment yet. I wasn’t sure I was even ready to be around kids all the time. I prayed a lot about it. I prayed that the Lord would make it really clear to me if I was supposed to work again. I didn’t really want to work, but I wondered if it would be good for me. About two weeks after I started praying about it an opportunity pretty much fell into my lap. It wasn’t working with kids or like any other job I had ever had. I was so hesitant, but Joel and I felt like that was what I was supposed to do–for now. So, four weeks ago I started working part time. This is my fourth week to be back to work. I am working three half-days doing receptionist type stuff. I work with wonderful people. I know a lot of them which is so nice. They know that my life is not “normal”.
Even after praying through this and taking the job I REALLY wrestled with God. Especially the first week. I started questioning. Why? Why would God want me to work in an office instead of be a stay-at-home mom? Why would God take my daughter away from me? Why?
You know that job that I described earlier? Being a stay-at-home mom. THAT is the job that I want to be doing. Being Cora’s mom and staying home was part of my plan. Losing her and going back to work was not part of my plan.
Sometime I get to the point when I am so frustrated with my emotions. The point when my heart fills so full of despair because of what has happened. The point when I struggle to understand how such a horrible thing could be part of God’s loving plan for my life. That is when I have to fall back on what I know about my Lord. Who He is and what I know to be true about Him and His character. He does love me–more than I could ever comprehend (Romans 5:8). Losing Cora was part of his plan for my life, even though I don’t understand. And He promises in all things to work for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). He promises to make ALL things new (Revelation 21:5). He promises me a HOPE and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). And he promises to walk beside me and comfort me along the way (Psalm 23:4). How great is our God! (2 Samuel 7:22)
I am trying to take this new job, just like everything else, day-by-day. I am praying that the Lord will help me to be content with where I am at. To take this time to grow closer to Him and listen to His voice. And I am praying that He will bless us with more kids some day…
…so that I can go back to that job that I love so much.
You can’t beat being a mom!
a fairy princess.
My little niece Ellie came to stay with me for two days last week. She even spent the night. She is so sweet. I really enjoyed having her around. She would just follow me around and help me do things. She talked a lot too. I loved having someone to talk to. Oh, and she ALWAYS wanted to wear her princess outfit. ALL DAY. She actually brought along two. It was fun. It made me miss Cora so much though. All the things that I did with Ellie–those were the things that I had dreamed about doing with Cora this spring and summer. Just hanging out. Together. I miss the noise and joy that a child brings to your house. I miss that so much.
Ellie called everything in our house Cora’s. I LOVED that. I loved how Cora was still such a part of our family to her. She wanted to go in Cora’s room, read Cora’s books, play with Cora’s toys, take a bath in Cora’s bathtub, and blow Cora’s bubbles.
She told me that she was going to blow some bubbles to baby Cora up in heaven. With tears in my eyes I told her that I thought that baby Cora would love to get bubbles from her. She blew them as high as she could.
The day was filled with lots of tears, but good tears. Tears because of all the wonderful memories I have with Cora. Tears because I miss her smiles and noises filling our home. Tears because I miss feeling like a mom. Tears because Cora wasn’t there to have a sleepover and play princess with her cousin Ellie. And tears because Cora wasn’t here to meet her newest cousin, Esther Marie.
My sister-in-law had a little girl last week. Ellie stayed with us because her parents were in the hospital with her new baby sister. The emotions we were feeling when we heard about Esther and saw her for the first time were so hard to deal with. We were feeling such joy that Bill and Olivia were blessed with a healthy little girl. Truly a precious gift from the Lord. But we were filled with such sadness as we remembered the joy that overwhelmed us when Cora was born. The reality that she is not here for us to hold and love hit again. Bill and Olivia were so sweet and understanding. They told us we didn’t need to come to the hospital because they knew it would be too hard. It was the same hospital where Cora was born. It is so hard to balance such a joyful thing with the deep sadness that our hearts are still feeling.
Thanks Bill and Olivia for letting us spend time with Ellie. Thank you for being so understanding and crying with us even during this joyful time in your lives. Esther is precious. She is so blessed to be a part of your family. We love you!
I’m still here…don’t worry!
We have been a little out of touch with the world this week. We had a big storm here on Sunday and lost our power. It came back on Monday morning, but our internet has been out until today. What did we do before internet?
Anyway, I have lots of catching up to do.
Hopefully in the next few days I will have time to update you about how we are doing and what we have been up to. Not tonight though. I am too tired!
Oh, and we started working on more Cora dresses this week. We had to take a little break. After the last batch we posted we were a little burnt out. But now we are refreshed (sort-of) and ready to be crafty again. More are coming!
Talk to you soon…
These days have been hard.
There are moments that Joel and I miss Cora so much that we can hardly bear it. We have shed a lot of tears lately, so I needed something happy to write about today.
Shopping is happy right?
Actually even shopping is hard for me now. So, my happy thought today is my mom (and a little shopping too).
My mom is great.
“Great” is an understatement. We have always been close and I truely count her as one of my best friends. She is a rock. She spent hours at the hospital by Cora’s side. She held Cora’s hand and sang to her when I couldn’t handle watching anymore. She helped us make decisions after Cora went to be with Jesus when we could hardly even think. She has opened her home to us and hundreds of our friends and family. She has made more meals for us than I can even count. She has helped me clean my house numerous times these past few months when I couldn’t do it by myself. She is a shoulder to cry on. Not to mention she has sewed and sewed and sewed tons of dresses in Cora’s honor. Need I say more?
Yesterday was my mom’s birthday, so we decided to take a roadtrip.
Just the girls.
With our Starbucks in hand we headed to Lawrence. We had to stop there first because my sister couldn’t go on without her coffee. Our destination was Sarah’s Fabrics. We needed to stock up on fabric for our Cora dresses. We wanted to check out someplace new.
I love that flower pillow too.
When we were done at Sarah’s we of course had to stop by a few more stores. My best find of the day was this letter M. I loved it. My mom and sister assured me that it needed to come home with me. How could I resist?
Our last stop was TJ Maxx (actually it was Starbucks again). We are always on the lookout for a good deal and TJ Maxx is a family favorite.
Ok, I take that back. It is a favorite of us girls. Joel HATES TJ Maxx. It is on his list of stores that he will not go in with me. Right along with Hobby Lobby. He just doesn’t appreciate a good store when he sees one.
I do love a good yellow purse, but this one didn’t come home with us.
It was so nice to spend the day together. Thanks girls!
Happy Birthday Mom!!
Oh, I forgot to mention that my sister is pretty great too. I could go on and on about how much she means to me. But, since it was not her birthday I will save that for another post…