happy heart rocks

02.12.13

On Thursday, Levi stayed up a little after Griffin went down for his nap so that we could do some painting.

My friend, Heather, had posted a picture of some heart rocks on Instagram and I was inspired to make some of my own.

I figured Levi would like doing a little rock painting himself…and he did. Green and blue are his favorite colors just in case you are wondering.;)

He would have sat in there by himself for the rest of the day and painted every rock he could get his hands on if I would have let him.

While he was busy painting I painted a few heart rocks of my own.

I had searched for the most heart shaped rocks I could find in my driveway earlier that morning. Not perfectly heart-like but I think they turned out pretty cute. Happy hearts.

Next time I need to make sure he is wearing paint cloths or a smock or something. I saved his jeans before it was too late. Don’t you love little fingers covered in paint?

I finally pried him away so he could squeeze in a little nap that day, but we will definitely be doing rock painting again. Maybe someday when you drive up our driveway it will be filled with rainbow rocks. Wouldn’t that be fun?:)

The next day was Cora’s heaven anniversary. The boys and I go to Cora’s stone all the time because it is on our walking path, but we always go as a family on her heaven anniversary and birthday.

When we painted our rocks the day before I hadn’t intended on making them to take to Cora’s stone. But after getting donuts that morning, Levi and I were talking and decided that our rocks were the perfect thing to put on Cora’s stone for her heaven anniversary. Levi loaded up a bag with all his rocks and was so excited to leave them there for her.

Notice he gave her the blue and green one first? Love that.

The boys love to go to sissy’s stone and Levi often requests to stop there on our walks.

This is very typical to find them playing games and climbing all over sissy’s stone. Probably a little weird for most people but it has become our normal.

Definitely bittersweet. I so wish that these boys could have known their sister here on earth. But I love that someday they will know her in heaven. You have some pretty awesome brothers, Miss Cora. I can’t wait for them to meet you.

The rock hearts ended up being the perfect addition to Cora’s stone…and they won’t even blow away in the Kansas wind! I loved what they symbolized as I thought more about them throughout the day.

:: God my Rock ::

He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. Psalm 61:2

Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal. Isaiah 26:4

I am so comforted to know that no matter what my circumstances He will always give me a firm place to stand. He is my Rock.

:: Stones of Remembrance ::

So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever. Joshua 4:4-7

The Lord has been so faithful to us and I pray that we would never stop telling others, especially our boys, of the great things He has done and continues to do in our lives.

:: God’s Love ::

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 1 John 4:16

And I had to add this verse one more time. How incredible to know that I can rely on God’s character and his love for me…even on the days when I am not feeling it.  He loves me so much. He loves my family more than I can imagine. I am so thankful for His great love and what He has done for me…and you!

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by Jess

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February 13, 2013 - 1:58 am

Michelle from Australia - Big fat tears are running down my face and onto my keyboard. I think it is wonderful that Cora’s stone is such a familiar and comfortable part of life for Levi and Griffin that climbing all over ‘her’ is what they do. All three of your children are so Blessed to have you and Joel as their parents. You are amazing Jess. May God Bless you all. Particularly during the time around Cora’s anniversary.

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February 13, 2013 - 8:35 am

babykatesmom - What a beautiful post. I love your heart rocks and it is so special that you placed them at Cora’s stone. My heart breaks for your mama heart that you have to do that. You are so strong and your love for the Lord is so amazing. You are truly inspirational.
xoxo

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February 13, 2013 - 10:44 am

Kristen Ritchie - Been thinking of you and your family lots this past week. This post is FULL of so many beautiful things…boys who know and love their sister, happy colored rocks on a gloomy day (that I’m sure matched the mood). We had Charlotte’s cousins do something similar on her 1 year angel anniversary…they each painted a rock that will become a part of a special garden when our new home is finished.
Thank you for sharing this part of your heart with us, Jess.

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February 13, 2013 - 10:46 am

tara - big. fat. tears.

the rocks are beautiful … and such beautiful representation. you are one amazing mama and God is getting so much glory from your words.

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February 13, 2013 - 10:51 am

Melanie Martini - Jess, I love the idea of the painted rocks! Sweet Levi looked like he really enjoyed the project and loved showing them to his sister even more. :-) Thank you for your meaningful posts this week. Monday, February 11 was my daughters’ heaven anniversary. The bible verses you wrote in your blog ‘spoke to me’ like never before. Thank you for YOU!

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February 13, 2013 - 11:07 am

Stephanie - Hi Jess, longtime reader, first time poster. Just wanted to share that it was beautiful that you put the stones there– it’s a Jewish tradition to do the same. (One idea on the origin is that one of Jacob’s sons took a stone and put it on Rachel’s grave.) You can read more here (I really like the last paragraph):
http://www.templesanjose.org/JudaismInfo/time/Life_Cycle/pebbles.htm

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February 13, 2013 - 11:16 am

whitney - I love this post. So sweet of Levi to leave his rock for cora!

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February 13, 2013 - 1:31 pm

Toni :O) - Been following along since before sweet Cora went to be with Jesus. I have to say, I think this post is definitely one of my most favorites you have ever posted. Those sweet feet and hands of Levi painting all those rocks is just so precious. You are such a precious and sweet family, thank you for posting the hard moments and the joy filled ones. I think it’s awesome they were climbing on Cora’s stone…if she were here on earth, I’m sure as boys, they would be climbing and rough-housing with her for sure! May God continue to give you strength and peace and you are always in my prayers. God bless.

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February 13, 2013 - 1:52 pm

Melanie - I have been praying for you. You are such an encouragement, blessing and inspiration to me. And we haven’t even met. God is using you in ways you don’t know. Keep being faithful to him. I think it is amazing, your testimony and story. And how you’re raising your boys to know and love God. And showing them his love and faithfulness by your words and actions. Thank you for being used by God. My eyes were not dry as I read your last couple posts. So thankful for Gods work in your life. (I love those painted heart rocks. And love the symbolism!!)

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February 13, 2013 - 6:32 pm

Mary Ann - I agree….the rocks are beautiful and it was very sweet that Levi gave his pretty green/blue one to his sister. I know what you mean about those sacred resting places for our loved ones. Cora’s headstone is so beautiful. My husband, both my parents, and my little great-niece who passed away at 5 months of age are buried very close to each other. I feel so much peace and love when I go there. My best friend told me something that really makes sense….she said that those who have passed on are not at the cemetery….they GO there with us when we go. It is a beautiful, wonderful concept that I choose to believe is true. Those who have passed on know of us and are with us when we need them. They champion our cause and comfort us too. Your boys will always know their sister. On that perfect day when you are all together in heaven, they won’t be strangers….the love never ends!! Ok – now I am crying!! I agree too. My Savior is my rock and my salvation.

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February 13, 2013 - 7:09 pm

Mary - so sweet.
xoxo

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February 13, 2013 - 8:22 pm

creole wisdom - Sending you lots of love from Minneapolis. Those heart stones are so pretty, I love them and I bet the boys loved painting theirs, too :) You are right, God is our Rock. I am so grateful for that! We can always lean on him.

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February 13, 2013 - 10:41 pm

Katie B. - The boys climbing on her head stone is the equivalent to what rough housing with her would have been if she weren’t in Heaven. They are just showing her some brotherly love!

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February 13, 2013 - 11:16 pm

Marcia - This was probably one of my favorite ever of your posts! I LOVE how you used the painted rocks and that the boys can climb on her stone. I love the symbolism of God being our rock, stones of remembrance and Gods love for us!

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February 13, 2013 - 11:29 pm

Deanna - Long time reader, first time commenter. Amazing blog post. Prayers for God’s peace on you all.

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February 14, 2013 - 12:05 pm

Jodi - I love your painted heart stones. They are just perfect. I don’t know if you know this, but it is a jewish custom and a mitzvah to place a stone at a gravesite when you visit. It shows that someone was there. I can’t wait to paint a heart stone to leave at my Dad’s gravesite now.

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February 14, 2013 - 11:05 pm

Laura - I was reading along thinking this was such a cute idea. And I love Levi’s Manning shirt… LOVE it. And now I’m crying … loving that your little boys play at your girl’s stone. I can’t imagine how much you miss her! And I love that you talk about her so much.

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February 15, 2013 - 3:52 pm

Liz Dean - I’ve been following you for a while, but am now posting. My sweet daughter Naomi Jane was stillborn 7 months ago and I LOVE this idea for my three year old son Sam to put on her grave. We go there about once a month and I always have him take something. Thanks for the inspiration, just love this idea!
Liz
I blog at My Real Life
lizdeanski.wordpress.com

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February 17, 2013 - 5:19 pm

Sarah@ This Farm Family's Life - This made me tear up. Such sweethearts you have!!!!

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February 18, 2013 - 5:35 am

Susan - I love this post and I love how perfect your heartstones all look at Cora’s stone.

Sending much love,
Sue X

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February 18, 2013 - 11:45 am

Lemonade Makin' Mama - Oh sweet girl… what a precious post. That idea to paint hearts on rocks and leave them in memory for Cora is perfect. The verses you chose are a few of my favorites too. What on earth would we do without the hope we have? I’ve been clinging to Psalm 40:2 all winter so far. I know He won’t let us down.

Blessings,
Sasha

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February 18, 2013 - 9:52 pm

meg duerksen - that last picture is so precious.
it is pure emotion.
love you jess.
and your whole family.

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February 19, 2013 - 9:46 am

krystal - Your post and pictures are beautiful! Praying for you!! I can’t imagine. But the way you have handled everything totally inspires me. Inspires me to handle all situations with joy. Joy that only the Lord can give.

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February 20, 2013 - 9:38 pm

Amie - Jess I love the Heart rocks! what a perfect thing to leave at Cora’s stone.
I love that the boys love to go there and visit, climb and play all around her.
She is up in Heaven SMILING down saying to them softly “gotcha” as they run around there!
Miss you and as I have said you are always in our prayers and hearts!

Take care and thanks once again for always sharing your life and love with us!

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a reason to sing

02.08.13

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God is Him.

1 John 4:16

In His essential nature and in all His actions, God is loving.

Today is Cora’s heaven anniversary. Four years ago we said goodbye to our sweet daughter. This day brings back so many emotions and hard memories. I remember so vividly having to agree that we had held Cora long enough (as if that was even possible), handing her over to the nurse and walking down the long hospital hallway to go home without my girl in my arms. I was in such a state of shock and the only thing I can remember is thinking…what do I do now? While sometimes I need to walk through those moments again and allow Jesus to meet me in my sorrow, I have to be careful not to stay there.

Even four years later, I have felt attacked by doubts as this anniversary approached. Some deep things but also silly things like why I didn’t wear a dress to my daughter’s funeral have plagued my mind. I told Joel that I had something really dumb that had been bothering me. I explained about the whole dress thing. How I had worn pants that day and I couldn’t believe I hadn’t worn a dress to my own daughter’s funeral. And then I burst into tears. He hugged me and let me cry for awhile like he always does. Then he looked at me with a sweet smile and said, “You wore really nice pants, didn’t you?” He was trying to comfort me but it just made me laugh. Somehow it brought things quickly back into perspective. I can always count on Joel to make me laugh even when I am sad. And he was right, they were really nice pants.:)

But along with the attacks I have felt God’s love in so many tangible ways. When I was helping in the kids program at BSF the teacher was teaching the babies that God sees us, God hears us, and God helps us. Those words keep coming to mind as I’ve walked through these hospital days again. It has been like God saying…Jess, I see you sitting in your kitchen crying because tomorrow is a really hard day. I hear you telling Joel about the pants and know that deep down you just miss your daughter like crazy. I have helped you each step of the way as you have navigated through grief the past four years and I will never leave your side as you keep moving forward. I will help you, day by day and step by step. I love you more than you will ever know and even losing Cora is part of my loving plan for your life. Someday, when you are in My presence, on that glorious day of rejoicing, you will understand.

I must have needed a few more reminders this week, because reminders of His love for me is just what I got. A blog reader came up and introduced herself to me while I was out for lunch earlier this week. She had her newborn twins with her and told me that she had named her little girl Cora, because of my Cora. I got to meet her sweet daughter and was reminded that even four years later, Cora’s story continues to touch people in ways that I could never imagine.

Today I sent in a bio for another opportunity I have been given to share my story. It still baffles me that I could even be considered a speaker. But it was another reminder, that fell at just the right time. A reminder that when I am faithful to share what He is doing in my life He will continue to use my heartache for His glory. I am so thankful that He continues to allow me to encourage others by sharing His faithfulness to me. What a gift.

After I had a good cry over the whole crazy pants thing, I was picking up my house before going to bed and this song came on:

I will bring praise I will bring praise

No weapon formed against me shall remain

I will rejoice I will declare

God is my victory and He is here

*  *  *

All of my life in every season You are still God

I have a reason to sing I have a reason to worship

In every season of my life, He is God. He is who He says He is. He loves me and is loving in all He does. That doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard. That doesn’t mean that I will always understand. But God is my victory. I can stand firm on who He is and the promises He has given us.

And that gives me a reason to sing.

Today was hard, but good. I’ll tell you more about it in a few days. Thanks so much for praying for us. I am still amazed that so many remember my Cora’s heaven anniversary and lift us up in prayer. We are forever grateful.

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by Jess

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February 9, 2013 - 1:44 am

Ceri - Dear Jess, I have no words other than We are praying for you. I am. We all are. I thought of you often today, and have been praying. May the lord bless you, and give you peace. Thank you for sharing your faith with us.

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February 9, 2013 - 1:56 am

Nirupama - Jess+Joel – I think about your sweet daughter Cora all the time. You have definitely touched many hearts. Praying for comfort and peace for you today. You are shining examples as parents.

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February 9, 2013 - 2:27 am

Alexis Moran - Your description of the pants brought me to tears… while this whole post just brought me to tears.

I get so much encouragement from your blog. You are an unimaginably strong women and reading your blog 4 years ago ecouraged me to deepen and further my relationship with God. Your girl is touching so many lives and has kept my life in perspective on so many occasions. Prayers to your sweet sweet family!

-Alexis

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February 9, 2013 - 9:29 am

Micah - Thinking of you and praying for you through these very difficult days. Thank you for sharing so much of your heart with us and helping us grow to be more like Him.

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February 9, 2013 - 10:06 am

Anne - Love and prayers.

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February 9, 2013 - 10:25 am

Hannah Lesley - Your perspective and faith is such an amazing example. I got chills while reading this post.

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February 9, 2013 - 10:45 am

Marcia - Ive been reading your blog since before Cora got sick. I’m still so sorry you lost her! I’ve prayed and prayed for you over the years and you have been an encouragement to me! Thinking of your family today!

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February 9, 2013 - 11:02 am

Melanie Martini - Jess, your post has brought me to tears. It will be 16 years ago on February 11th that my daughter went to Heaven. For a long time, I worried about something that is similar to your thoughts about why you didn’t wear a dress to Cora’s funeral. We buried our daughter in a beautiful pink dress. For months I agonized over why I didn’t put her pink sweater on her too. I kept thinking she would be cold. One day, I shared my thoughts with my husband and cried as I told him. Like Joel, he looked at me and said, “but her dress was beautiful and she looked beautiful in it…..”. The whole thing made no sense, but it was real to me all the same. Bless you, Jess and Joel.

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February 9, 2013 - 12:19 pm

Leah Kuepfer - I just wanted you to know that I have really enjoyed reading your blog over the past few years. My first daughter is very close to Cora’s age. She was born Feb. 17th 2008. I remember reading about you losing Cora with my daughter sleeping in my arms and crying while I read it. So often after reading your blog I’m reminded of the blessing I have with her especially when struggling with discipline issues etc. Your walk with Christ and how you have handled your grief through that has been a huge encouragement to me even though I have never lost someone really close to me.
I also have been inspired by watching some one else parent their children by working at heart change and not only outward change. Its encouraging to see it lived out and not only read about it. Even though I understand falling short of those goals many times :) and realizing your own sinful heart through it.
So thank you for letting God work through you through the difficult times in your life and your dedication to growing and becoming more like Christ in the process.
Leah Kuepfer (Ontario, Canada)

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February 9, 2013 - 1:51 pm

Kimberly - Jess, I love your blog and have been following you for a few years. This post made me cry as I thought, “I can’t imagine losing my own children.” I would have had the exact same thoughts that you’ve had. I hate that you had to go through that, but it has been so encouraging to me to see how your faith has grown, and I love your perspective on raising your children. Even in the hard times, you are able to see the positives– it definitely has spoken to me in my hard days as a parent. It is obvious your faith is genuine and you are allowing God to use this tragedy for good in your life and in your readers’ lives through your blog. Prayers for you and your family through this hard time. Some day you’ll be celebrating Cora’s heaven birthday with her!

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February 9, 2013 - 2:03 pm

creole wisdom - You are a beautiful, wonderful person, wife and mother. Your story is a hard one, but you’ve made your trial beautiful through faith. I’m sure this is a hard time of year for you, sending prayers and love from Minnesota.

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February 9, 2013 - 2:24 pm

Rachel - I am praying for you and your hubby as you miss your sweet daughter today, this week, this month. God is faithful, and I pray that you will continue to find comfort and peace in Him. He will hold you when you can’t stand.

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February 9, 2013 - 3:32 pm

Sarah@ This Farm Family's Life - I remembered and thought of you all on this special day. I continue to keep you in my prayers!!

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February 9, 2013 - 6:55 pm

Jenny - Thank you so much for sharing your heart with your readers.

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February 9, 2013 - 6:57 pm

Sarah W. - I constantly remember and often speak of your family and Cora. Prayers for your family are constant. You are so strong and such an inspiration and wonderful role model.

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February 9, 2013 - 7:11 pm

Yolanda Pound - Dear Jess and Joel,
Have been following your blog since sweet Cora became ill. How could any of us who prayed for you forget Cora. Your family has been an inspiration to me since I first heard about Cora through Kelly’s Korner blog. My great aunt was named Cora; I never got to meet her cause she died at age 16, long before I was born. Love the name Cora, and love how beautiful your baby girl was. My oldest daughter lost her baby girl Regan due to stillbirth. Lori was 6 months pregnant. Baby Regan was perfect in every way, doctors believer the amniotic fluid was low. We all got to hold Regan and bid her hello and goodbye–yet God comforted us in our grief Have so enjoyed seeing pictures of the two wonderful little boys God has so graciously added to your family. More importantly, am rejoicing with you and Joel as God continues to lovingly work in your special family. Isn’t our Lord wonderful to have created us with a sense of humor–so glad that he turned your tears about “wearing pants” to JOY and laughter. He is the God who Sees, (El Roi). I believe in the common vernacular of 2013 this statement would be: He has your back”!!!

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February 9, 2013 - 8:56 pm

Kasey - I read Cora’s story right around the time my son was turning 1 {he was born February 21, 2008} and it brought tears to my eyes. I don’t read blogs all that often {trying to change that} but I have always came over to your blog to sort of ‘check in’ on how you and your family have been doing. Your boys are adorable and I only wish for the best for you and your family. Hugs and Prayers! :)

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February 9, 2013 - 9:17 pm

Jenni - I hope and pray that on what is probably your hardest day of the year you were somehow blessed, even in the midst of the hard emotions and memories. I know that the hardest days of the year for me are those on the death anniversaries of the ones I have loved who are gone, it can feel isolating and lonely as time goes by and other people forget the significance of the day and how much pain it can bring up. God is glorified by your story and Cora’s and it is very encouraging to hear that it is still touching other peoples lives 4 years later. Your story has forever impacted my life and I will never forget it.

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February 9, 2013 - 10:23 pm

Toni :0) - Still here and praying all these years. I just prayed at church specifically for her as she was on my heart tonight. Thank you for sharing your life and boys with all of us. God bless you always!

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February 9, 2013 - 10:59 pm

Cory Lyons - Sweet, Beloved Childhood friend…how I wish I could be there at your farm house to hold your hand and cry with you. I would love to hear more of your darling Cora, even silly things you remember. I ache her loss with you still, I celebrate and honor her precious days with you and Joel, I pray for continued healing and for joy beyond your expectations and for much singing! Cora, you dear, dear one…what a legacy you have left! Much love, many prayers and sincere, big hugs across the miles….Cory Lyons (Ferguson:)

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February 9, 2013 - 11:11 pm

Jenny - I, too, have been following your blog since Cora became sick. My heart is so heavy for your loss and I can’t even imagine losing a child. However, your incredible faith is such an inspiration. For a while, I struggled with how such a beautiful, innocent, & loved baby could be taken from such lovely parents. I struggled with finding the good. Years later, I see the good thru the bad. Your love for God and trust in him is amazing to me. I could only wish my relationship with Him is as strong as yours. I know you are humble about it and often beat yourself up about being distracted but it scares me to even think what would happen to my faith if I was in your shoes. You are an incredible mother. I admire your faith. I adore your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing both your family and faith with us.

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February 10, 2013 - 5:21 am

Michelle from Australia - Dearest Jess

I can remember the first time I answered a prayer request for Cora. And I have been Blessed to be able to follow your journey ever since.

Beautiful Cora has often been at the front of my mind when facing challenges in our family.

Your writings inspire me so often and so many levels. Thank you for letting us follow your journey Jess. And may Cora long live on in the hearts and minds of the many people she touched.

Michelle x

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February 10, 2013 - 9:48 am

Beth - As always, Cora’s story inspires me. Thank you for sharing a piece of your heart with us.

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February 10, 2013 - 10:42 pm

k&c's mom - Jess,
Your blog was the first one I read. I do not even know how I found it, but I’ve followed your sweet family for over four years. What I learned here helped prepare me for the loss of my husband. You were able to comfort in the area that you have been comforted, and for that I am so very grateful. Prayers continue for you and yours.

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February 11, 2013 - 9:11 am

Heather - I’m so thankful our God pours reminders of His love on us exactly when we need them most! I can’t wait for the day we get to see our little ones again!! Sending you lots of love and prayers, friend! xo

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February 11, 2013 - 1:28 pm

Jen C. - Jess-I have been following your blog for a long time. You truly are an inspiration to many. I have a niece named Cora and any time I hear her name, I think of your Cora. Take care.

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February 11, 2013 - 1:41 pm

chrissi - Dear Jess, Like all your “blog friends” we are praying for you and Joel this week. I cannot imagine. I just want to thank you for sharing so much through your posts. I always leave your blog feeling better than when I came. You always share such a pure love of the Lord. Thank you for that. Your faith just shines so brightly. You and your family are a great gift. Blessings.

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February 11, 2013 - 2:46 pm

Lori Raile - Joel and Jess,
We thought of you this weekend and prayed Saturday was a special day filled with sweet memories of Cora. Your family and your precious girl will never be forgotten by our family. She touched us all.
Lori Kruse Raile

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February 11, 2013 - 5:49 pm

audrielle - came across your story on apartment therapy. Thank you for being brave enough/vulnerable enough to share it. I just know like you said God will continue to use your sweet little Cora for His glory.

-fellow kansan
audrielle

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February 12, 2013 - 1:25 am

Stefanie - You have created such a beautiful legacy for your sweet Cora. She has done so much through her short life and brought such glory to God. We lost our son Chase during pregnancy almost 2 years ago and we are now expecting a baby girl, who we are naming Cora. Your Cora is the inspiration behind her name. Praying for comfort for you, Joel and your families.

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February 12, 2013 - 2:10 am

Lori - You once shared words of comfort with me as I prepared for a tough day. Know that you are in my prayers and I hope you are feeling His loving arms around you.

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February 12, 2013 - 3:23 pm

Allison - I too am in BSF! Did you see in the BSF notes this week how the question was asked how will someone’s death bring about great faith? Wow! Not only was the fourth my mom’s birthday (she passed away the November before Cora went with the Lord), but yesterday marked five years that one of our youth went to be the Lord and I read that and cried. God meets us, He holds us and I just pray for you that He continues to make His presence known to you and loves you and continues to fix your broken heart in ways only He can.

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February 12, 2013 - 10:00 pm

becky - Jess, I first came across your blog via prayer requests from a friend while Cora was still in the hospital. I have a little girl Cora’s age and I remember checking your blog constantly before Cora died and for so many, many months after. I felt so wracked with pain for you guys, pain I didn’t know existed until becoming a mother. I have prayed for you so many, many times over the years, this stranger from the blogosphere.

I haven’t read your blog in probably 2 years. Tonight you were suddenly on my mind as I came across another mother’s grief (Remembering Ann Reese) and I thought, “I need to check Jess’ blog!” Seeing the anniversary of Cora’s homegoing reminds me of this: She is still so very important, so crucial. Her life still matters. I am a total stranger and I still think about her. That means she is weighty, she is heavy, she is eternal. I think you know this. I’m writing this a little for me. I’m encouraged by you…by the knowledge that is watching me, hearing me and helping me. Thank you for pouring your sorrows and your joys out as a drink offering – that we may be brought nearer to the Father as we observe you.

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February 12, 2013 - 11:35 pm

Amie - Hellooooo…..

My heart has been heavy and full of prayers this last week thinking about those 4 years ago. Just want you to know how blessed we are to have you in our lives.
Your faith and words have taught us sooooo much and continue to always put things in perspective for me. Cora is never far from my heart, prayers and mind.
May God continue to bless you and grant you peace and love even at the hardest of times.

Miss you lots!

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February 13, 2013 - 12:19 am

Lemonade Makin' Mama - Oh what a heart wrenching day… just said a prayer of peace over your whole sweet little household. You are a good Mama. And it sure sounds like you have a good man who loves you to pieces. Isn’t it amazing that God cares about every tear we shed? What would we do without Him?

Good night sweet thing…

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February 13, 2013 - 11:59 am

Paige - I have never met you; however, I have been reading your blog, and feeling connected to your family for years now. Each year your pain and strength teaches me. I can be strong if you can be strong. You are such a great example for us all. Visiting your blog is like going to church. Thank you for all you do for your readers and may God bless you each day.

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February 18, 2013 - 5:45 am

Susan - Oh Jess! I wish I had the right words to say. Grief is such a hard thing to have to live with and I look forward to getting a few answers myself when we get to heaven one day!! While the day to day running of life takes on a new normal, Cora will never be far from your thoughts and special occassions will always leave you feeling a little sad. You’re entitled to it. Losing a child is one of life’s greatest challenges and one of my biggest fears. I lost my husband nearly 9 years ago (he was 26), when my baby was 6 weeks old. I miss him so much, every day, but I still have my baby to hold and for that I am so grateful.

Sending you a thousand hugs,
Sue X

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February 19, 2013 - 11:40 pm

Meghan Hein - I am catching up on weeks of posts here and I got chills reading this post. This past weekend at church we were reading about God’s testing of Abraham in Genesis, when he asked him to sacrifice his one and only son after waiting for countless years for his dream of a child to come true. The sermon went into reasons why God tests us, and how we can be encouraged by God’s word throughout the Bible to endure these difficult challenges. I was just sitting in church, trying to focus, but my mind kept drifting off to you and your story. Now being a Mom myself I can NOT imagine the pain that you’ve gone through losing Cora. I try not to even imagine what it’s like to walk in your shoes because I simply can not bare the thought. And yet, I couldn’t help but think… I should write to you and just let you know that you are TRULY a LIVING example of God’s word. You have endured the most unthinkable pain and you still praise Him and bring so much Glory to Him. Our Heavenly Father must look down upon you and smile. I’m sure He is so proud to call you His daughter. Every scripture we read, I kept thinking… yep, that’s Jess and that one too… and yes, that one. You are an incredible light. Thank you for sharing your heart and your journey. We can all learn so much from you.

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February 20, 2013 - 11:54 pm

Jess - Meghan-Thanks so much for your sweet words and encouragement. I actually just studied the story of Abraham and Isaac in BSF and was so challenged. I loved that I was studying that passage the week we were celebrating Cora’s heaven anniversary. But I just kept thinking…man, I have so far to go and so much to learn to be like Abraham. ;) So thankful for God’s Word and how He speaks to us through it!

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God is love

02.06.13

I’ve been trying to be more intentional about doing projects with Levi. You’d think being a former teacher that craft time would come naturally, but sometimes I just prefer to craft on my own. Levi loves doing projects with me…and I love that. He has even been caught playing by himself and talking to his toys about “doing a craft”. His dad really loves that. Ha!;)

I have a few Valentine projects planned out and this was the first. I originally got this idea from Megan (click on the link for the tutorial) and actually made these hearts a few years ago at our cousin Valentine party. They were fun so I decided to try them again with Levi.

I thought Griffin would at least like playing with all the hearts, but he wasn’t into crafting this particular day. Just look at his face.

He preferred to sit and watch his brother…and he wouldn’t let go of that glue stick.

I have been talking to the boys about God’s love for us and what it looks like for us to love God and one another. We are memorizing a few verses about love this month too. So this year we glued on some of those verses around the outside of our hearts.

I forgot how fascinating glue sticks are to little boys….rolling them up and down and up and down. This little crafter is going to have to learn how to use his crafting tools properly!

Here they are all finished. Levi made the green and blue one…because green and blue are his favorite colors. I made the red one. And Griffin just cried and watched.:)

We hung them up on our big chalkboard above the verse we are working on right now. I just realized I forgot to write the reference…it’s 1 John 4:16. This verse has been a good reminder for me as we approach Cora’s heaven anniversary this week. When the sadness starts weighing on me I can be confident in and rely on the love God has for me. It helps me to trust God when it is hard and I don’t understand, to be reminded that God loves me deeply and personally.

And what a great prayer to be praying for my boys. I pray that they would know and rely on the love God has for them…that they would abide in God and God in them. This month I am praying specifically that they would begin to understand that God loves them personally too.

Here are a few other verses about God’s love and our hearts that I jotted down to read with my boys this month:

1 John 4:16

Psalm 19:14

Jeremiah 31:3

Matthew 12:34

Proverbs 15:13

John 3:16

1 John 4:19

Proverbs 17:17

1 John 3:1

Happy heart month!

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February 6, 2013 - 1:01 am

Rebecca - Good mercy, those hearts are cute! Would you mind telling us how you made them? It looks like contact paper…and did you hand cut all of the little hearts?

I’m saying a prayer for you now as you face another heartbreaking anniversary.

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February 6, 2013 - 9:10 am

ranee - looks like a great project…i just may have to do something similar with my preschoolers in sunday school class!

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February 6, 2013 - 9:15 am

Mary Ann - I love the hearts craft project – Levi is a pro at that stuff already!! What a good reminder that the love God has for us never waivers….we waiver sometimes but He never does. I pray as you honor Cora and think of her on that special sacred heaven anniversary, you will be comforted with God’s love and mercy and that it will warm and continue to heal your heart and soul. The love never ends.

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February 6, 2013 - 9:36 am

Michelle Valerio - I love following you on your blog. Your boys are the cutest!! God Bless you all!

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February 6, 2013 - 10:41 am

Paula Aspacher - you are a very good mother and the fruits of your labors will be rewarded to you for generations to come!

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February 6, 2013 - 11:18 am

Jane - Oh my!!! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!!!!I can’t wait to do this with my kiddos today! Your boys are just adorable!

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February 6, 2013 - 12:47 pm

Alyssa - I love this and you are such a great mother! I love that you instill God’s love into their hearts daily and you work on daily bible verses with them. I am getting married soon and although we plan to wait for children, I am trying to prepare my heart and mind now for the future of being a mother God would be proud of. You are a great example and I love to see how you raise your boys! Keep up the good work! :)

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February 6, 2013 - 1:59 pm

Amie - What a SWEET craft with the awesome reminder of God’s love.

The boys are getting soooooo big! what sweet pictures :)

You have been in my heart and mind a lot this past week as I think of Cora.

Just know we still pray for peace in your hearts and miss you all so much daily.

take care and love on those sweet boys for me! :)

AMIE

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February 6, 2013 - 5:39 pm

Elizabeth - this is beautiful. what a fun family activity and beautiful reminder. i don’t have any kids yet but I want to do this craft for myself! I need to put those verses up in my house too!

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February 6, 2013 - 7:47 pm

Emily - Thank you so much for this post. I was upset about something and these verses and the verse on your chalkboard reminded me of His love for us…so awesome and such a great truth to hold onto. Thank you :)

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February 6, 2013 - 11:09 pm

Esther - I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I found your blog several years ago when you were raising money for Cora’s playground. My heart has ached for you, a complete stranger, as I’ve followed your journey since losing your precious Cora. Little did I know, that I would lose my own baby several years after I found your story. My Isaac was born too early (22 weeks) and went to be with Jesus 6 weeks ago. Even though our stories are different, reading about others who have faced the ultimate loss and to see how Christ is carrying them is so encouraging to me. Praying for you as you miss your little girl on her heaven anniversary. Thankful for the reminder of His great love.

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February 8, 2013 - 3:29 pm

Melanie - You are so inspiring!!! This is adorable. Can’t wait to do this craft with my little boy. Great pics!!:)

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February 8, 2013 - 5:31 pm

Stefanie - That’s a cute craft!

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February 15, 2013 - 12:22 pm

Micah - I just copied your chalkboard :) . I just love your style! I always love what you pin on Pinterest and the rooms you decorate. I love your DIY pottery barn style and you give me such great ideas! I would love to see more of your chalkboard! We just put a big one up in the kitchen and I’m still learning :) .

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March 12, 2013 - 12:08 pm

Danielle F. - Hi, Jess! I’m on my lunch break at school and looking for ideas of things to do with my kiddos during spring break (yay…I can’t wait!) next week…your blog is a wonderful resource for that! Also, just wanted to come back to this post and thank you for sharing the list of verses about God’s love. We are really working on showing God’s love to one another through our big sister/little brother disagreements at home. And sharing…always working on sharing! Your sweet family is thought of and prayed for often! Take care!

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March 12, 2013 - 11:39 pm

Jess - Danielle-Hi friend! Hope you have a great Spring Break! Thanks for your sweet words of encouragement. We are having to work on showing God’s love at home too. It is a hard thing to learn for those little ones. :)

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#themacboys2013 :: january

02.02.13

I wanted to attempt a 365 project this year but couldn’t figure out exactly what to do. I thought about taking a picture a day of each of the boys but knew that would probably get too overwhelming. I thought about just doing one of the boys but that didn’t seem fair…and I didn’t know if I would want to do it again next year. So, I decided to do 365 days of the Mac boys. I am so glad that I did. It has been fun to capture a snapshot of my boys each day. And it is so neat to look through these pictures and see the bond forming between these two. They are best friends and it is getting sweeter each day. Here is January:

I was inspired by the 366 project that Drew did of her darling little girl last year. She has a great post with tips on 365 projects if you are wanting to do one of your own. You can start anytime! I can’t wait to see all the pictures of my boys at the end of the year. I am planning on printing them in a book…they will love it!

If you want to follow along I am jessmcclenahan on Instagram.

Hope you are having a great weekend!:)

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February 2, 2013 - 10:39 pm

Marcia - Very cute idea! Your boys are adorable!

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February 3, 2013 - 1:45 am

Ashley Stewart - I love your blog, Jess. You don’t know me….I went to school at Berean and know a couple of you and your husband’s siblings, so I feel like I kinda know you! haha. Your little family is seriously adorable, and I love how real and honest you are. Thank you for being yourself and pouring out your heart on your blog. You are such an insiration. And those boys are such handsome little guys. Would love to get to know you in person! You seem like such an amazing woman of God…and I know you would be such a good friend.

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February 3, 2013 - 2:27 pm

Breana - Would it be possible to get a tutorial on this awesome collage?! Such a cute idea!

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February 6, 2013 - 12:06 am

Jess - Breana-the collage tutorial is on Drew’s blog…just click on the link towards the end of the post.

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February 6, 2013 - 12:07 am

Jess - Ashley-I’ll have to ask my siblings about you! :) Thanks for your sweet comment!!

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March 4, 2013 - 3:52 pm

#themacboys2013 :: february » The Macs - [...] January [...]

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April 5, 2013 - 9:00 am

#themacboys2013 :: march » The Macs - [...] January [...]

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May 6, 2013 - 9:57 pm

#themacboys2013 :: april » The Macs - [...] January [...]

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griffin {15/16 months}

02.01.13

I had wanted to take some 15 month pictures of my little guy but between Christmas and him being sick time just snuck away from me. I have hardly picked up my camera this past month either…that needs to change in February! But I wanted to write down a few things about Griffin at 15…or 16…months before I forget. These pictures from my phone probably portray the real Griffin and his every day a little better anyway.

Griffin,

At 15/16 months you are still not walking! I remember at your 15 month appointment you weren’t even close. You hardly wanted to even stand up and try walking when we held your hands. You have come a long way since then. You love walking when we hold your hands now and you even have taken two or three steps on your own, but only if you don’t think we are looking. If we hold our hands out to you and tell you to come to us you just shake your head, plop down and take off crawling the other way. This walking thing is definitely going to be in your own time. You walk all around furniture and you are a climber. No walking but you can climb on anything!

At 15/16 months you love to be outside. If someone will take you outside you will go with them in a second. You are not a fan when daddy leaves for work without you. And apparently you are not a fan of snow…or maybe just snowsuits.:)

At 15/16 months you are a mama’s boy. I think you would let me carry you around all day, but you are getting way too heavy for that! When you slow down enough you are the best snuggler. I’ll take one of your hugs any day. You love to read with me now too. Your favorite books are ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear’ and ‘Big Red Barn’.

At 15/16 months you love your brother and want to do everything he is doing. You and your brother are either best friends playing in your own little world or worst enemies fighting. You definitely know how to fight back and aren’t about to allow Levi to win every time. Thankfully, you are more often best friends. I love watching the sweet bond that is forming between you two. Levi has taught you a lot of things…one of those is to love music. You both love to listen to music, clap your hands, and dance.

At 15/16 months you are the pickiest eater. You like fruit, macaroni, crackers, popcorn…and that’s about it. Oh, and did I mention you like sweets? I could offer you a million healthy things to eat and you will spit them all out but if I offer you a cookie it is gone in two seconds. M&Ms are your favorite. I did figure out that you like smoothies, so I may be sneaking in your vegetables that way! And you are done with your highchair which I can hardly believe. You have to sit by your big brother. Apparently highchairs are for babies.;)

At 15/16 months you sleep through the night…hooray! You finally started sleeping through the night after you turned one. That was a major answer to prayer! I am a much nicer mama when I can sleep through the night. You still wake up occasionally for a drink but usually go right back to sleep. And you are an early riser. Your brother spoiled me with his amazing sleeping skills…you are exactly the opposite!

At 15/16 months you are hardly talking at all. You say ‘mama’, ‘hi’, ‘moo’ and last week you started saying ‘oink’! We were cheering you on as you made that crazy pig sound! You still love cows and ‘moo’ anytime you see one. If we drive through daddy’s feedlot you are just mooing away in the back seat. You sign a little bit too. You sign ‘more’, ‘all done’, and you are constantly shaking your head ‘no’.

At 15/16 months this is your signature face. You are a stubborn one, little Griffin. You can throw a fit like I have never seen before when you aren’t getting what you want. And you are persistent. You let us know until we finally figure out what it is you are trying to tell us.

At 15/16 months you are a hard one to figure out little man. Like today, you fell asleep in the car. You must have been exhausted because I brought you in the house, took your coat and hat off, changed your diaper and put you in your crib and you never woke up. You have never done that before! But even though you often lead me to my knees wondering how in the world I am going to parent you, I love you so much. You have a way of making me smile and laugh with your funny faces and sweet grin. I will be your biggest fan, cheering you on as you decide to take those first steps and learn new words. I love you so much, Griffin!

Love, Mama

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February 1, 2013 - 10:21 pm

Mary - this is the sweetest.
xoxo
he is such a cutie and i love seeing your sweet boys on IG, too! :)

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February 1, 2013 - 11:39 pm

Kelly - Oh my goodness, I think my Mack and your Griffin are cut from the same cloth…
2nd children! HA!
And its funny, because as “challenging” as my Mack is, I absolutely adore him just like i do my “easy” Rhyan (almost 4 yr old girl). He can be so infuriating and frustrating but i think he’s perfect :-)
And only God can let us love like that! ha!

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February 2, 2013 - 11:30 am

Jenn - My second baby is very similar to G! Funny how different two boys can be!

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February 3, 2013 - 7:37 pm

Susannah - This letter is so precious! You little boy is adorable!

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February 4, 2013 - 1:48 pm

Sarah W. - He is as adorable as ever. Love that first shot with his sunglasses and the last one of him passed out.

We have experienced some of the same differences between Colby and Kenze, Kenzie was a great sleeper! Colby too did not consistently sleep through the night until around a year old. and we too just recently experienced the same exhaustion that led us to being able to bring him in, change his diaper and lay him down without him waking up, its never happened before! And I’m constantly wondering how I’m going to parent him…he has a temper already, and is very stubborn and knows what he wants. He gets into and messes with everything he possibly can.

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February 4, 2013 - 10:00 pm

Nicole - Big Red Barn is a fave around here too. All three of my kids loved it and my 2 yr old can almost read the whole thing by himself (and I can recite it word for word. Haha!) I love your posts. Love your honesty, love, and heart for your children. Reminds me of God’s love for us. We are hard to parent too!! Oh and your boys are super cute. Love that pic of Levi with his tilted talking to Griffin. Pretty sure we can all tell what he is saying there. ;)

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February 5, 2013 - 10:40 pm

Jess - Nicole-Levi and I can quote Big Red Barn word for word too. Haha. ;)

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