A few weeks before we found out the gender of our baby I started writing a post sharing some of my thoughts as our sonogram approached. It was entitled “#lifewithoutpink” as I referred to a few years back when someone tagged me on Instagram asking if I would add the hashtag #lifewithoutpink to a photo I had posted of my boys. It was a fun boy-mom thing and I’m sure this person didn’t even know I had lost a daughter but it kind of felt like a punch in the gut. A reminder of loss and what I can often talk myself into believing is a big gaping whole in my life. A life without pink.
I could never find the right words to finish that post.
As you know, sonogram day came and went and all of a sudden pink is entering my life again. In fact, pink is entering my life very soon as my due date quickly approaches.
Maybe the words for the post never came for a reason. Ever since losing Cora I have tried so hard to make sense of God’s plan for my family. I was sure that Levi, Griffin, AND Jake were all girls. SURE. Not because I have great motherly instinct–obviously I don’t–but because I thought that surely we were ready for another girl. I remember when we got pregnant with Jake up until the day he was born thinking that two boys and a girl sounded like a pretty perfect plan. And if I am really honest with you I thought we deserved another girl after losing Cora. That feels really embarrassing to admit but it’s true. I have done a lot of wrestling with God over the past almost nine years. I have poured out my heart and spoken my desires. I have cried out both in confusion and with a completely broken heart. I miss Cora like crazy and sometimes I still fight so hard to try to understand.
Last fall we actually thought we’d be welcoming our fifth baby in May 2017. I went in for my 10-week appointment and was shocked to find out that I was only measuring at six weeks. I had either miscalculated something or I was miscarrying–I knew that day that I would miscarry. A May baby had seemed so perfect for our family and we were heartbroken. We weren’t even sure we wanted to try to get pregnant again. Going through more loss sounded too hard.
I don’t know why I always try to take the reigns and figure things out on my own. While we were preparing our hearts to be done having babies, God had other plans. Early this past summer we found out we were expecting again. We trudged through those weeks before the appointment very timidly trying not to get our hopes up. We made it to the 10-week appointment and everything looked great. Praise the Lord! I was thinking all along we would not find out gender but the Mac boys (including daddy) all wanted to know, so we decided to find out. Boys usually win around here. Haha! The gender vote was 5-0. We all thought it had to be another boy. This time even I thought it was a boy for sure. I heard Levi tell one of our friends, “We all are kind of hoping for a girl but we all think its probably a boy!” Isn’t that the cutest?! And honestly, while I would have loved to have another daughter, I thought four boys sounded pretty awesome too. I hope you know me well enough by now to know that I am crazy about my boys. I can’t imagine life any other way. Each one has been the perfect addition to our family. God’s plans are always better and I love being a boy mom!
We walked into that sonogram room ready to hear “Boy!” and instead found ourselves saying, “For real?! Are you sure it’s a girl?” I was so excited and so shocked…and I have to admit a little confused. I had tried so hard to figure out for myself why it just made sense for us to have another boy; even convincing myself that God could use our story in a more powerful way if we didn’t have a “happy ending” of a girl. I was taking the reigns of my life again. Putting myself on the the throne and trying to figure things out in my own way and my own timing.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
Those can be hard words to swallow when we find ourselves in the middle of tragedy and difficulty, I know. But as believers these words offer us great security. A promise we can live by. We may not always feel or see that God is working for our good, but we know with certainty that He is. What do we know? God is working in all things–He has all things covered. As we continue reading this verse in context (read all of chapter 8!) we see that God’s “good” doesn’t mean getting what we want and it doesn’t mean that the things he uses for good in our life are always good in themselves. Verse 29 tells us that the “good” is being conformed into the likeness of His Son. He is changing us from the inside out. Even when our plans seem good to us, God often has something better in mind. We can be confident that God is at work in the center of our very worst times, our very best times, and even the very mundane times in our lives. He was working for the good of my family when Cora died and continues to work for the good of my family as we are just weeks away from holding our second daughter. I don’t have to understand, but it is my prayer that I would always give my heart and mind to trust His perfect purposes.
All God’s gifts are good, but, oh my goodness, this little girl feels like a very special gift from the Lord. We have had our seasons of mourning, and as a friend so sweetly reminded me, this season is definitely a season for rejoicing. We are praising God for the life he continues to bring to our family. We are so undeserving of His kindness to us. It is my prayer that as we continue to share parts of our grief as well as our joy, that you would see that God is both completely good and completely sovereign all the time. The end of Romans 8 reminds us that nothing can separate us from God’s love for us. Will you trust God’s perfect purposes with your circumstances today?
So here we go. Our family’s story has looked so different than anything I could have planned or imagined. I am thankful for God’s patience with me as He continues to gently remind me that He is on the throne. He is so good. Just a few more weeks until we re-enter the girl world. This boy family may not know what hit us as the pink starts to find its way into our home but we are so ready to love on this little lady like crazy!