How are we REALLY doing? Honestly we don’t feel like we are getting “better”. Somedays it even seems like things are getting harder. I think we are learning how to get through the days and keep it together when we need to. People say that we are doing so good. That they couldn’t handle what we are going through. That we are inspiring. But, most days we just feel like we are surviving. Doing the best we can. Leaning on the Lord to get through each minute. I think we both lay down at night thinking: Phew! We made it through another day.
It seems like just when I think I am doing ok something comes and smacks me in the face again. Not for real, but that is what it feels like. Yesterday was one of those days. I was having a pretty good morning. I was being productive and getting things done (which is a good day). I hadn’t had any major melt downs. It was almost noon and I walked out to the mailbox to get the mail. I can handle that, right? I sifted through the stack and saw an envelope that I thought was probably Cora’s birth certificate.
When Cora was born I completely forgot to send in the form to get her official birth certificate. My new mama brain was foggy and unorganized. We had the pretty one from the hospital, but not the official certificate. Last week we needed a copy for some stuff we have to send in, so I got online and ordered three copies. I thought it would be nice to have a few to keep and put in Cora’s scrapbook.
So, I eagerly opened the letter and I was right. I was thinking what a special document this would be for us to have. Cora’s “birth-day” will always be one of my most favorite memories. I turned the papers over and was horrified to see that all three copies and stamped “INFANT DEATH” in capital letters diagonally across the front. That was the moment when I felt like I had been smacked in the face all over again. I mean, SERIOUSLY?!? This was supposed to be my sweet daughter’s birth certificate and they had to stamp that on it. Like I am not already reminded of her being gone every day. Were they trying to make my heart hurt worse? Did I really pay $36 dollars to have them stamp those horrible words–three times!
Now, I know I shouldn’t have taken it personally. I am sure this is just some legal requirement. But, I LOST it. I couldn’t stop crying. All these thoughts went racing through my head. Is this document in my hands for real? Is this REALLY my life?
Thankfully, Joel called shortly after. I cried and explained everything to him. My poor husband never knows what to expect when he calls home. He is always so understanding and just listens. Then I called my mom and cried some more. She was on her way home and said she would pick up some lunch for me to make me feel better. After all that crying I did feel better, but that was all it took to turn my “ok” day into a horrible day. I don’t think I ever fully recovered.
Each day is different. I never know what to expect. The littlest things bring back memories and make me sad. I can cry at the drop of a hat. But then sometimes I surprise myself and do ok through something that I thought would be really hard.
I am so thankful that God is never surprised. He knows what my day is going to hold before I even wake up. He knows how I am feeling and that my heart feels crushed even before I cry out to Him. He knows just what I need to get through those “smack you in the face” moments. His love and comfort is truly indescribable. I am so thankful that He is in control.