There are many moments that I wonder how our days would be different if there were two little kiddos running around my house as we welcomed Baby Brother into our family. I wonder how different things would be if Levi had to take on the role of little brother instead of only knowing what it is like to be the oldest child…and now big brother. I wonder how my sweet and serious little girl would have interacted with my silly and ornery little boy. And I wonder how she would have responded to a new baby coming home. I think it is okay to wonder. Cora will always be one of the siblings after all. But when I dwell on “what should have been” it makes me so sad. So sad for Levi and the relationship with his sister that he has been missing out on. So sad that our family will never be whole here on earth. So sad that all my babies aren’t here…together. I have had to grieve all of those “should have been” things, but I am learning that I can’t dwell there. That wasn’t God’s plan for my family. When I start focusing on what “should have been” I am often reminded of these words that the Lord pressed deep on my heart at the Respite Retreat: invest in the living.
Levi has been my only child here on earth for the past 20 months. And now I am the mama of two boys. I can choose to dwell on “what should have been” or I can invest in these little boys that the Lord has entrusted to me. What a gift they each are. The Lord has used Levi’s little life to restore our joy in so many ways. He has brought noise and laughter to our house again. And in many ways his being our “only child” has been a gift. I treasure the time that we have had together, just us. And now the Lord is using Griffin to remind me of the life that God continues to bring to my family even in the face of death. A reminder of His continued faithfulness through both sorrow and joy.
I have only known what it is like to have one child at a time. So, this transition of going from one to two kids has brought on some big emotions for me. I have longed for the day when I could see my kids together. I dreamed that Levi would love Baby Brother the second he laid eyes on him. While I still treasure that moment when I first saw my two boys together in the same room…that is not exactly what happened. In fact, Levi was so out of sorts the first time he came to the hospital that I didn’t even really think to take any pictures. I was too overwhelmed. Levi wouldn’t even come see me. He started crying when they put him on my bed. I think the hospital bed and the IVs scared him. And then it was time to meet Griffin. They put Griffin in his lap and he pushed him away and said “done now”. Those are words we have heard quite frequently lately.Levi was definitely not himself and he didn’t stay at the hospital long. I knew that probably could happen, but man it is hard to see your baby not acting like himself.
Levi came back the next day and did much better. I wasn’t hooked up to the IV anymore but he still didn’t really want to sit with me on the bed. He preferred to look from a distance.
He was much more interested in Griffin though. Griffin often has his little fists clinched and every time Levi notices it he tries to give him a bump (fist bump). So cute.
He leans in to give him kisses, but usually doesn’t actually kiss him. It is more of an air kiss.
We had a little gift for Levi at the hospital from Griffin. Levi loves his soccer ball and whenever you ask him who it is from he says “Baby Griffin”. I love hearing him say his brother’s name.
We even got Levi to sit still long enough to hold his baby brother the second day.
He is very interested in Griffin’s paci and
So here are my boys together. Love. It has been a hard transition for Levi to not be the only one at home anymore. And it has been a little hard on his mama’s heart to see him not acting like himself and not lovin’ on his mama like he usually does. But we all are transitioning. Each day has been a little better and I think Levi is almost back to himself. So glad.
So here we are. Another transition that we made it through. Two sweet babies at home now.
I can’t wait to invest my days in raising my two boys.