The Macs » Blog

august 18, 2015

August 18, 2015. The day I turned thirty-four and the day my baby boy started kindergarten. Talk about feeling all the feelings on my birthday last week. I’ve never been one to really think much about getting older. Thirty was no big deal and thirty-four is no different. I mean really, the thirties have been pretty great. Days filled with welcoming babies and cute little boys running around my feet. Maybe in a few years I will feel differently, but for now…bring on another year.

Now if we are talking about Levi going to kindergarten, that’s a different story. My sweet friend described the struggle perfectly. Each stage is completely heartbreaking and totally amazing all at the same time. It is so weird and so hard to explain. You see, I should have been sending Cora to kindergarten two years ago. I remember what “should have been” her first day of school so vividly. I started seeing the cute little photos of her friends with their new backpacks coming through my feeds as I sat at home wondering what that day would have been like…what she would have been like. This week should have been my second go around with this whole kindergarten mom thing. As Levi marched so confidently into his new class on Tuesday, I couldn’t help but grieve a little over what should have been. I miss that sweet little girl so darn much. Each new milestone we hit with the boys breaks my heart all over again that she isn’t here growing up right along with them.

A little sadness? Yes. Grieving? A little. It seems to always surprise me as grief unexpectedly resurfaces again. Missing my girl? Always. But I would miss out on so much if I only lived in light of what should have been. After Cora died I remember the Guthries encouraging us to invest in the living. That has always stuck with me and helped change my perspective so many times. God has taught me through Cora’s life that each day and each milestone is a precious gift. I am not guaranteed a certain number of days with my kids. But I can invest fully into the lives of these little boys he has entrusted to me right now.

So, I did it. I sent Levi off to kindergarten yesterday. He was so ready. A small part of me wanted to hang on to him and never let go. Despite my feelings, he walked into his cute kindergarten classroom and now his first week of school is in the books. He loved it. He is so ready to go back tomorrow. And I can rejoice this week that the Lord has given us the gift of sending our healthy baby boy to kindergarten. I get to send Levi to kindergarten. It makes me cry just typing that out. Another year and another new milestone. Each a precious gift.


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 He was the cutest kindergartner I’ve ever seen. He was most excited about his new backpack and new shoes. And I couldn’t leave out this last photo. Brotherly love at its best. I’m not the only one who isn’t quite sure what to do without Levi around!

  • Paige - Levi is so handsome. I can’t imagine the struggle you deal with in the milestones. You seem to handle things with such grace and I am so thankful you have your 3 boys to help you see the joy in the milestones as they come. I know Cora must be looking down on your family and be rejoicing in your joy.ReplyCancel

  • Christi {Jealous Hands} - Levi is such a handsome big boy! So glad his first day was great for him AND for mama! xoReplyCancel

  • Toni :0) - Goodness he looks so grown up!!! Best wishes for a fabulous school year with your little man.ReplyCancel

  • Micah - Wow! You have the cutest kids. And your “baby” isn’t so little anymore .ReplyCancel

  • Sarah Johnson - LOVE this post. You summed it up so beautifully. Last year it was so hard sending Marleigh to Kindergarten when I should have been taking two little girls to kindergarten. So many mixed emotions. I think there will always be waves of grief that rock us, but so glad to be anchored in Him, and the blessings of our other babies.

    Love all the pictures. Levi looks so grown up! 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Mary Ann - That Levi….what a darling big boy he is. My little grandson starts Kindergarten on Wednesday. I’m just amazed that the time has come for those 5 year olds to be in school. I remember well the day my own son went to school the first time…I was a working mom so I dropped him off, gave him a hug, told him to be good, and walked to my car. I cried and cried…all the way to work thinking about my baby boy being in school. Today was again a first day of school for my son but now it’s at University of Utah getting his engineering degree. I’m glad I read your blog today. It is a good lesson to learn to live life in the moment and not wonder to much about the what if’s. I have tears in my eyes just thinking about these precious little boys growing up and being out in the world. I hope the world is kind to them and that they grow up remembering just how much they are loved and how precious they are to their parents (and in my case, grandmother). You posts always bring me hope and I love love love your photos and your words. You are a treasure Jess.ReplyCancel

  • Allison - What an absolute doll! I know exactly what you mean when you say that watching your kids grow is both heartbreaking & amazing at the same time!ReplyCancel

  • nee - So sweet. Always enjoy checking in on you Macs!
    Happy Birthday too!ReplyCancel

  • Jill - Your comments are so inspirational. Thank you for sharing your journey.ReplyCancel

  • Becca - Joy, that is the word that comes to mind when I see photos of Levi. Your boy exudes happiness. He seems to greet each day with pure joy, that is a good thing. You must be so proud of him and all of your children.ReplyCancel

  • Amie - This post made me teary!❤️
    Each as we hit milestones with Jaylee I always think of Cora! She is still such a big part of my heart! you all are still in our hearts and prayers!???
    Love and miss u!?ReplyCancel

  • EricaG - How did he get so big? Levi is such a handsome fellow. I just can’t believe how fast time passes.ReplyCancel